


A Quarter After One

by CaptainAwesome242



Series: I Just Want You To Know Who I Am [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: The Next Generation (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, F/M, Idiots in Love, Late at Night, Loneliness, Love, Memories, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Photographs, Sad, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 11:02:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15639411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainAwesome242/pseuds/CaptainAwesome242
Summary: It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone, and I need you now~Will and Deanna both reflect on their relationship. Or at least, the relationship they used to have.





	A Quarter After One

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, this one was hard to get down.  
> Usually I write a fic and then think of a song that would fit to title it with, but this time I changed it up and wrote it based entirely on a song which is SO much harder. It was a struggle to not repeat myself as the chorus came around again for the other character but I think I’ve managed it (probably not).  
> I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, even if it’s just a kudos.
> 
> Title taken from, and fic inspired by, Need You Now by Lady Antebellum, which I recommend you listen up to get the full appreciation (also it’s a really good song)

Deanna sat cross-legged on the floor of her quarters, back resting against the couch and a mug of hot chocolate warming her fingertips. She brought it up to her rouged lips and took a long sip before setting it aside, careful not to spill any on her favourite pyjamas. 

It was late at night and she’d needed the comfort of her baggy t-shirt and yoga pants, and favourite drink - earlier today two of her fellow crew members had been wed by the Captain in a small but sweet ceremony. She was happy for them, of course she was; they were her friends and she didn’t need her empathic abilities to tell her that they were both besotted with each other. But seeing the couple so happy and in love had made her heart ache with a pang of loneliness and regret, made even more difficult by the fact that Will Riker had also been at the wedding.

So she had stayed as long as she could bear and left almost as soon as it was politely acceptable, retreating to her quarters. She’d quickly grown restless in the quiet and, against her better judgement had pulled out her old photo albums. It was an archaic and redundant method of picture storage in this technological age, but something about the tangibility of a physical photograph made it all the more heartfelt and treasured to her.

So there she sat, surrounded by the scattered photos of her and Will’s time together. 

Deanna sighed, wondering why she was doing this to herself even as she reached out to pick up another. She knew she was only hurting herself but once she’d started she couldn’t stop, and soon she’d lost track of how long she’d been sat there. 

The latest picture she picked up was one of her favourites, and her eyes misted up with wistful tears. 

It had been taken on the second anniversary of their courtship. Will had taken her on one of his favourite nature trails of his childhood, and they’d had a romantic picnic at the peak of a grassy knoll overlooking the valley. At the moment of the picture Will had just finished telling her a hilarious tale of one of his academy escapades and Deanna was laughing, but she ignored her slightly crazed and unflattering expression in favour of looking at the man on the left. He looked young, his clean shaven face taking a few years off and the joyous look on his face doing the rest. His teeth were revealed in a boyish grin and there were laughter crinkles around his sparkling eyes. The look of adoration in his gaze as he stared at the woman next to him left Deanna weak every time, and she took a shaky breath as she wiped at her eyes. 

She missed those days. Oh god, how she missed them. She’d give anything to go back, to have Will look at her that way again. She couldn’t deny that they’d made the right decision to part, and they’d left on very good terms, but that niggling _what if?_ never left her. It echoed through her empty room in the still of the night. It tugged uncomfortably at her heart every time Will smiled at her. It whispered bitterly in her ear when she saw other happy couples.

Deanna shook away the morose thoughts and was left with an emptiness and the insatiable need to be with Will, or at least to hear his voice. As she reached behind her to the couch to find her discarded uniform and by extension her comm. badge her eyes caught sight of the small clock on the side table and she paused. 

A quarter after one. She’d been sat there much longer than she’d thought.

Deanna closed her eyes and tried to collect herself. She couldn’t call her superior officer in the middle of the night just because she missed him. Not only was it a major breach of conduct but it was ridiculous for her to assume that he missed her as much as she missed him. Did he even think about her like that anymore? Did he think about _them?_ It was presumptuous of her to assume so and a wave of sadness overcame her. She pulled her knees up to her chest, staring wistfully at the picture still held reverently between her fingers.

 

 

~~~

 

 

Will slammed the glass down after knocking back another shot of whiskey, grimacing at the burn in his throat. He’d never much cared for the drink, but the bottle had been a present from Geordi who’d told him it was pretty strong. And strong was what he needed right now.

It had been a long day of celebrating the wedding of his friends, and trying not to think about his own relationship woes. A long day of seeing the happy couple kiss, and trying not to remember all the kisses he shared with Deanna. A long day of watching the bride and groom become a married couple, and trying not to imagine Deanna as a beautiful bride. His bride.

He exhaled forcefully through his nose before downing another shot of the amber liquid. He shouldn’t be thinking like this. Shouldn’t be picturing his _friend_ , with whom he had a very happy _friendship_ as anything other than a very good _friend_ , no matter how he felt about her. They had agreed that their split was for the best and had promised to remain cordial with each other, and he wasn’t about to ruin that with his one sided desires to pick up where they left off now that things were different. He wouldn’t make her uncomfortable like that.

Even so, he couldn’t stop his eyes from unconsciously drifting to the door every few moments, hoping she’d come sweeping in the way she always used to. After work, in a rumpled uniform, her hair frazzled, but always with a smile. For a date, dress swirling around her, hair styled immaculately around her shoulders and her dark eyes bright with excitement. And through their bedroom door all ready for bed, nightgown flowing loosely and hair tousled, jaw popping as she yawned looking adorably sleepy.

Will stood abruptly with every intention of storming through the ship to Deanna’s room and bursting through her door, kneeling before her to proclaim his eternal love for her and his regret for ever letting her go, but he was stopped by the clock on the wall. Or more specifically the time it displayed.

A quarter after one. Far too late for an unsolicited house call.

Shame pooled in his stomach at his rash behaviour, at the irreparable damage his bold actions could have caused. Aside from giving her a fright by barging in at such a late hour his subsequent alcohol fuelled declarations would have surely severed their friendship forever.

Will slammed his fist into the shelf in frustration, jumping as something fell over with a shattering _crash!_

Reaching out with shaking fingers he carefully picked up the photo, wincing as the glass shards fell from the ornate frame and tinkled onto the shelf. He plucked the few remaining shards from the frame and sat back down in his chair, looking longingly at the photo in his hands.

A photo of the couple on a landmark celebration.

Will’s eyes skipped over his own face without hesitation. He’d never liked how he looked in this picture - all soft skin and childish grin, giving credence to the whole Ensign Babyface nickname he’d been dubbed years back, but more recently he felt a stab of jealousy at the happiness and love his younger self explicitly displayed on his face. He chose instead to look at Deanna.

She had thrown her head back to laugh at the story he’d just told her, face angled in such a way as to allow the sun to illuminate her skin with a radiant glow. Her doe eyes were squeezed shut in amusement, lashes casting long shadows down her laughter blushed cheeks. Her face splitting grin was so wide that Will swore he could still hear the echo of her laughter in his ears. Her hair tumbled down in glossy ringlets past her sun-pinked shoulders, shoulders he would rub lotion on later that evening...

Will cynically wondered if Deanna thought about him as much as he did about her. He wondered if she ever looked at this photo and remembered that day. He had her to thank that there were pictures at all. She had been insistent on hiring one of those photography drones that unobtrusively follows you around and takes photos, and while he had been reluctant at first, wondering how he was supposed to ignore a drone following them, it had proved easier than expected. And now he had a physical memory of one of the best days of his life. 

Will sighed and slid out the second photograph, secretly tucked away behind the first. The first one he didn’t mind others seeing, but this one... this one was special. 

Taken on a different day of the same vacation, it captured the pair of them locked in a tight embrace, foreheads touching as they beamed breathlessly at each other after a passionate kiss. Will’s heart clenched in an attempt to combat the overwhelming wave of melancholy about to drown him, but it was little use. 

He honestly had no idea how he’d survived this long without her when every fibre of his being yearned for her. Every second without her was agony and even just the thought of her was enough to make his old wounds hurt as much as the day they parted.

But, if he was honest, he was glad of the pain. He’d rather have Deanna of course, but the pain made it real, gave him something to prove it had happened. Without it, he reasoned, it would mean that it had never happened _or_ that it had never meant anything, and he honestly couldn’t decide which was worse. So he would definitely rather hurt this much than feel nothing at all, so he kept looking at the two photos, holding onto the feelings they invoked.

 

 

~~~

 

 

Deanna plucked another picture up from the floor, holding it next to the other and breathing deeply to suppress a sob.

On the last night of their vacation they’d stood together on the porch of their wood cabin to enjoy the sunset together, pulling each other close and inevitably ignoring the natural wonder in favour of expressing their love for each other. The photo in Deanna’s hand was taken just seconds after they’d broken apart from a fiery kiss and were trying to catch their breath, grinning giddily at each other. Golden rays of light from the forgotten sun made their eyes twinkle and their skin glow as their foreheads rested together in euphoria, blissfully unaware of the troubles they would soon face.

The image blurred as tears sprung to Deanna’s eyes, spilling over and trickling down her blotchy cheeks. Her aching heart longed for the carefree days of their past, where all they had and all they needed was each other. Where their only goal was forever, and they had it.

Deanna knew deep down that she’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all, but the pain was nigh on unbearable. She found herself reaching once again for her comm. badge, pulling her uniform into her lap but stopping herself from pushing the button. 

 _No_ , she told herself, _we agreed not to call each other_

But even so she kept finding her hand inching towards the badge, desperate for any sort of contact with the man she loved. She’d give anything for him to hold her in his arms and chase away the oppressive loneliness that weighed on her soul and kept her awake at night. 

As she brushed the tears off of her face with the backs of her hands she wondered how she’d managed without him. She’d always been an independent woman, her mother had made sure of that, and by no means did she need a man to function, but she did need Will. He always made everything better. He made her days brighter and her nights sweeter. He gave her joy for her present and hope for her future. 

But now he was in her past.

Yanking her hand back as she was once again about to call Will, she found her resolve and threw her uniform out of reach. As much as it had pained her to do so she _had_ survived without him, and would continue to do so. She couldn’t keep living in the past this way.

Taking a deep, grounding breath Deanna started to purposefully collect up the scattered photographs and put them away, vowing that the next time she looked at them it would be with fondness of good times rather than sadness for lost time. 

She got up as quickly as her stiff body would let her and slid the photo album back onto the shelf between two of it’s companions. Already dressed for bed she detoured to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face, all traces of her tears and run mascara circling down the drain. Even so she avoided looking at her reflection, certain that her resolve would disintegrate at the sight of the sadness and pain twisting her features into a crumpled grimace. 

Deanna crawled under the covers and tucked herself into a tight ball, trying not to think about how silent the room was and how empty and cold her bed felt.

 

 

~~~

 

 

Will activated the comm. badge on his chest but hastily turned it off before his traitorous tongue could land him in any trouble. 

What was he thinking? It was well after one in the morning and he was going to do what exactly? Call her up and tell her how much he missed her, how much he loved her? And while it would be true, at this time of night she’d just put it down to drunkenness, and judging by the half empty bottle on the table she wouldn’t be wrong.

Will groaned and dragged his hands down his wearied face. Why was he torturing himself like this over something that would never happen? They’d agreed to break up, they’d agreed not to call, and yet here he was pressing his comm. badge once again with the goal of disturbing her in the middle of the night. He forcefully tapped it off again with a growl of frustration at himself; he needed to regain control of himself. 

As he screwed the lid tightly back onto the bottle his comm. badge chirped and hope and adrenaline courses through his veins in equal measure as he answered it.

“Commander Riker,” he answered, the professional conduct ground into him since his first day at the academy preventing him from ditching all decorum and simply calling Deanna’s name.

“This is Lieutenant Howe from communications. Is there a problem with your comm. badge, sir? We notice it keeps activating and deactivating, are you having trouble getting ahold of someone?”

Crushing disappointment hit him hard and sat heavily in his chest, and he had to work hard to force his voice into a cordial tone. _It wasn’t her fault, she doesn’t know, don’t be mad._

“No Lieutenant, everything is fine, thank you,” he told her before disconnecting, hoping that the tension in his voice had been lost in transmission. 

 _Now you’re just making a fool of yourself_ , he self congratulated mockingly as he stood, the alcohol catching up to him giving him a few moments of dizziness. He roughly gripped the table and waited it out, jaw clenched in annoyance as he gradually regained control of his body. Thank goodness he hadn’t managed to get ahold of Deanna; in the state he was in he’d only scare her or think he was mocking her, both options among the last thing he wanted to do.

As soon as the room stopped spinning he put the whiskey back in the cupboard and vowed to not touch the stuff when he was in a reminiscent mood, not liking the effect it had on him. When Will went to replace the pictures in the frame he found the shards of glass on the shelf and remembered what had become of it, so instead he took the photos with him to the bedroom and stowed them in the top drawer of his bedside cabinet. 

Sitting heavily on the edge of the wide bed he took his shirt off and threw it across the room, removing the temptation to reactivate that damn comm. badge. Will sighed dejectedly and raked his hands roughly through his thick hair, staring unseeingly at the wall for a few moments before scraping up the motivation to finish getting ready for bed. 

When he finally laid down under the sheets his head was pounding from the alcohol and the emotional stress, but all he could think of was how empty the bed felt with him as the only occupant.


End file.
